I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
