i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
