My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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