At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
