Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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