I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
