my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
