We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
