I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
