my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
