i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
