taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
