I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
