I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
