I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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