that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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