How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
