OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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