Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
