Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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