I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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