ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
