Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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