i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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