It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
