I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
