Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
