Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i out mim tonsoeep
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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