Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he thought i was a dude.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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