Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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