I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
