I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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