my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
