hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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