i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
