Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
