If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
