Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
