I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
