im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
