only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
