Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
