i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
