i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
