I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
