girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
