The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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