Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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