Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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