How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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