Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
