Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
