i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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