I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
