I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
