you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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