If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
